Number 5

A female friend of mine, affectionately nicknamed "No. 5" is hilariously, outrageously insane. She is smart, funny, insightful, very attractive and a typical Leo. If you know her well enough, you will find out that she has some of the best stories on the planet. I will continue to add to the compilation as she enriches my imagination with tales of maniacal schemes and plans.

For Instance, No. 5 has:

-Sent Santa a suicide note. When she was a little girl she told Kris Kringle that if he didn't deliver 2 cabbage patch kids she would end it all.

-Buys chocolate chip cookies but only eats the chips. This can be messy and difficult to watch at times.

-Thinks she went through post-partum depression with her dog. She wasn't sure she loved the canine when she first got her and was afraid to be alone with her for fear of causing Fido harm.

-Is experimenting with something called the "Blood Type Diet." Things she has told me regarding her blood type (A negative): 1. Its not good to have swiss cheese 2. is more prone to getting STD's

-Wants to get married so she can get divorced. Thinks having an "ex husband" will make her sound more grown up.

More to come. She is one of a kind and the greatest.

The Dancing Bartender

I am not stupid, I just wanted to hear her say it. I was at a bar with a friend and this bartender (who was pretty but also a tad rough around the edges) started taking an interest in me. As she began getting more comfortable, she moved in closer and rolled up her sleeves.

I notice there is ink on both arms. I proceed with my line of questioning now that we are friendly.

David: I am guessing you have another job since I have never seen you here on any other nights?

Bartender: Were you looking for me on other nights?

D: Seeing I just met you 20 minutes-- that doesn't seem very likely, so back to my question-- what else do you do?

B: Um, well, I don't usually tell people this but... I...I....I.....I dance

D: Wow that's great, ballet or another classical style? Sorry I am not much of a dancer

B: No, not that kind of dancer

D: Oh right, my bad...So ignorant of me. You're into modern dance when they play all those crazy sounds and noises...wow thats, gr-

B: --No, no, no its not that. I dance in a club, you know what I mean?

D: Right right right, I am with you now. Is it in the city?

B: No its in New Jersey

D: Being a go-go dancer in a night club must be nuts. Don't you get tired?

B: UGH! I am not a go-go dancer and its not a night club. Its a strip club and I am a stripper!!!



Bingo.

Florida: Part of the Problem, Not the Solution

When people in other countries read or view stories about the American public, odds are it is coverage that is downright disparaging. I've heard the European Press loves to visit Ocean City, MD for summer beach pieces. I have only been there once in my life and regrettably in the few hours I spent there I can honestly say I saw: more mullets per capita than in Georgia, two young boys (approx 8-11 years old) swap their pants on the boardwalk whilst in the presence of their parents (whom did not even bat an eyelash) and more than one woman wearing a t-shirt that said on the front "I Kissed A Girl" with "And I liked it-- Ocean City, MD."

Okay so I realize I had a point somewhere and it simply is that not necessarily all the a** backwards, uncivilized, intolerable behaviour occurs in the places you may think, i.e. the usual culprits-- Alabama, Tennessee, New Jersey, etc.

(FYI basically anything I say below is an opinion. Like the rest of the media, I'm going to treat the facts loosely.)

The biggest offender in the Continental 48 is without a doubt, Florida. Maybe it is because we picked them up on the cheap from the French, maybe the heat and humidity have Colonel Jessoped the populace, or just maybe, just maybe, possum isn't "the other white meat."

For starters, 90% plus of all teacher-student sex trysts/crimes/offenses take place in Florida. Female teachers also tend to take things to the next level in the sunshine state by trying to get their pre-pubescent lovers to bump off their beaus and/or dispose of the body.

Casey Anthony? This just isn't fair. DIDN'T ANYONE NOTICE HER DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT FROM HER LIFE FOR, SAY OH, THREE MONTHS? Maybe the grandparents whom apparently love their granddaughter so much should have paid closer attention. I mean seriously, three months is the quarter of the year-- the length of a season. How do you not realize a family member is absent for say the entire summer?

What about hurricanes? It's not like its a random Indonesia-tsunami-type event, these things maul the coast every year, often more than once. As the precious waterfront continues its erosion inland, more and more people live on the coast that are seemingly under-prepared for the deluge water sent courtesy of mother nature. I mean seriously, don't think that the 10ft+ 4x4's you have holding up the beach-side of your house will hold during a category 2 storm. Yet they do.

Disney scares the crap out of me. I don't know who or what to believe anymore concerning what goes on in that place. Apparently Tyler Durden once worked in their studios if you have ever seen The Lion King or The Little Mermaid with the spliced images of inappropriate material.

I've heard Disney searches the Megan's Law Database for employees, that registered sex offenders have been hired to work as the characters (in FL they refer to them as "the critters") around the park.

Is Walt Disney's head cryogenically frozen on site? I'm not sure.

I read that someone died in the moat on one of the rides and they just tied the corpse to a buoy until hours were over and then fished it out.

I also read that Disney World has the same status as an embassy on foreign soil where host country rules do not apply. This includes a Disney-run penal system with a judge and jail on premise, complete with a fake Mickey holding the bars in a mock cell.

Now today I randomly spot the best article that demonstrates my point:

http://www2.tbo.com/content/2008/oct/25/250111/na-escaped-monkeys-make-mischief-on-ranch/imwY/

Now just from the link you know its going to be good because a) it is in Florida and b) it involves monkeys.

I laughed my a** off reading this. Most notably for a few quotes:

"You don't think about monkeys in this part of Florida," said Clark, a retired agriculture teacher from Plant City High School.

Two things jump to mind, 1) Do people think about monkeys in other parts of Florida? 2) Were you really entrusted with shaping the minds of students at some point in your life, even if it was in agriculture?

Another good one:

"People don't know what they are," said Wehrmann, a St. Petersburg veterinarian. "People think they are squirrels."

Riiiiiggggghhhhttttt....

"Around that time Clark's 10-year-old grandson came up with a solution. The young sportsman wanted to shoot one of the monkeys and mount it in his bedroom."

Is sportsmen really the word? I have nothing against hunting, but I don't tend to associate it with monkeys. Would you really want to go to bed at night with a stuffed monkey looming over you?

Whatever. Florida is a nuisance to the country. I see this topic coming up again.

Michael Scott's 10 Favorite Bruce Springsteen Songs

"Mike gave me a list of his 10 favorite Bruce Springsteen Songs. 3 were Huey Lewis and the News, one was Tracy Chapman's 'Fast Car;' and my personal favorite...'Short People.'"

Donald and Daisy

This is an actual conversation that took place with a friend of mine. I am clearly baffled since it is the year 2008 and we are in New York:

David: I'm adopting a puppy from the pound

Helen: Are you really?

D: Well apparently "dog pounds" don't exist anymore (neither do dog catchers either)--- crazy right? I figured I could cut out the middleman and just get a dog catcher to find me a dog I like. So after I couldn't find a dog pound or a dog catcher on information I googled it and it kept redirecting me to these "animal shelters." So after work I am going to go to one. I hope they have dogs there bc I dont want another kind of animal. wish me luck.

Whats the 411 hun? How are you doing?

H: I have been trying to adopt a dog too they are very strict. But good luck I want to see it if you get it. What kind do you want? NOthing new with me just working alot and figurin out my Halloween costume. YOu going to *name redacted*?

What about you? Besides dog huntiing what are you up to?

D: Whas good Helen?

Well I wish you luck on your quest for the worlds greatest companion. Did you know they don't have frogs at an animal shelter? I asked for an animal to tide me over but "they don't do that" apparently. So I'm now finding out from the landlord if I'm allowed to have a duck on premise-- there isn't a waiting period or background check...and they have two in stock. Fingers crossed.Yes ill go to *name redacted or however you spell it.

H: I may ask for one for Christmas.. My mom had a pet duck growing up in the city so there may be a chance for you to have one. She is writing a book about it actually. His name was Mike he is stuffed in her livingroom which is sort of creepy :) Well I guess I will see you necxt week.

What are you plans for the weekend?

D: PLEASE SEND ME A PICTURE OF MIKE!!!! PLEASE!!!!

...to be continued

Definitely See It Once, Maybe See It Twice

Definitely, Maybe is a good movie. I rented it because someone very intoxicated recently told me that I looked like "Van Wilder." "Van Wilder" is Ryan Reynolds, the guy who just married Scarlett Johannsen (sp?-- don't really care) so obviously he is doing something right. Seeing that I am very good looking though not necessarily of that caliber, I'll take it as a compliment.

I digress.

Anyhow it had a decent premise-- tell your daughter a story akin to "Magnolia" so she can figure out how you met her mother involving your relations(hips) with 3 women-- even though a tale you weave makes her think that she is an accident and/or possibly not your kid.

It was funny, poignant and romantic without being really cheesey.