Florida: Part of the Problem, Not the Solution

When people in other countries read or view stories about the American public, odds are it is coverage that is downright disparaging. I've heard the European Press loves to visit Ocean City, MD for summer beach pieces. I have only been there once in my life and regrettably in the few hours I spent there I can honestly say I saw: more mullets per capita than in Georgia, two young boys (approx 8-11 years old) swap their pants on the boardwalk whilst in the presence of their parents (whom did not even bat an eyelash) and more than one woman wearing a t-shirt that said on the front "I Kissed A Girl" with "And I liked it-- Ocean City, MD."

Okay so I realize I had a point somewhere and it simply is that not necessarily all the a** backwards, uncivilized, intolerable behaviour occurs in the places you may think, i.e. the usual culprits-- Alabama, Tennessee, New Jersey, etc.

(FYI basically anything I say below is an opinion. Like the rest of the media, I'm going to treat the facts loosely.)

The biggest offender in the Continental 48 is without a doubt, Florida. Maybe it is because we picked them up on the cheap from the French, maybe the heat and humidity have Colonel Jessoped the populace, or just maybe, just maybe, possum isn't "the other white meat."

For starters, 90% plus of all teacher-student sex trysts/crimes/offenses take place in Florida. Female teachers also tend to take things to the next level in the sunshine state by trying to get their pre-pubescent lovers to bump off their beaus and/or dispose of the body.

Casey Anthony? This just isn't fair. DIDN'T ANYONE NOTICE HER DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT FROM HER LIFE FOR, SAY OH, THREE MONTHS? Maybe the grandparents whom apparently love their granddaughter so much should have paid closer attention. I mean seriously, three months is the quarter of the year-- the length of a season. How do you not realize a family member is absent for say the entire summer?

What about hurricanes? It's not like its a random Indonesia-tsunami-type event, these things maul the coast every year, often more than once. As the precious waterfront continues its erosion inland, more and more people live on the coast that are seemingly under-prepared for the deluge water sent courtesy of mother nature. I mean seriously, don't think that the 10ft+ 4x4's you have holding up the beach-side of your house will hold during a category 2 storm. Yet they do.

Disney scares the crap out of me. I don't know who or what to believe anymore concerning what goes on in that place. Apparently Tyler Durden once worked in their studios if you have ever seen The Lion King or The Little Mermaid with the spliced images of inappropriate material.

I've heard Disney searches the Megan's Law Database for employees, that registered sex offenders have been hired to work as the characters (in FL they refer to them as "the critters") around the park.

Is Walt Disney's head cryogenically frozen on site? I'm not sure.

I read that someone died in the moat on one of the rides and they just tied the corpse to a buoy until hours were over and then fished it out.

I also read that Disney World has the same status as an embassy on foreign soil where host country rules do not apply. This includes a Disney-run penal system with a judge and jail on premise, complete with a fake Mickey holding the bars in a mock cell.

Now today I randomly spot the best article that demonstrates my point:

http://www2.tbo.com/content/2008/oct/25/250111/na-escaped-monkeys-make-mischief-on-ranch/imwY/

Now just from the link you know its going to be good because a) it is in Florida and b) it involves monkeys.

I laughed my a** off reading this. Most notably for a few quotes:

"You don't think about monkeys in this part of Florida," said Clark, a retired agriculture teacher from Plant City High School.

Two things jump to mind, 1) Do people think about monkeys in other parts of Florida? 2) Were you really entrusted with shaping the minds of students at some point in your life, even if it was in agriculture?

Another good one:

"People don't know what they are," said Wehrmann, a St. Petersburg veterinarian. "People think they are squirrels."

Riiiiiggggghhhhttttt....

"Around that time Clark's 10-year-old grandson came up with a solution. The young sportsman wanted to shoot one of the monkeys and mount it in his bedroom."

Is sportsmen really the word? I have nothing against hunting, but I don't tend to associate it with monkeys. Would you really want to go to bed at night with a stuffed monkey looming over you?

Whatever. Florida is a nuisance to the country. I see this topic coming up again.